Who is this type of person?

I am not the type of person who…
… advocates for herself
… is good at networking
… speaks confidently her opinion in front of more senior leaders
…

If I received 1 € for each time a coachee said that to me, I’d be rich by now!

The funny thing is, everyone seems to see lots of people around them that ARE much better at advocating for themselves, networking, and confidently speaking up in every type of situation.

Two scenarios are therefore possible:

1- I always end up having coachees that belong to the minority of insecure people that prefer to stay in the corner and regret they aren’t more confident

2- the type of person who… advocates confidently for herself etc. etc. actually does not exist.

I believe the latter to be true.

By this, I do not mean that there aren’t people out there effectively advocating for themselves, or very good at networking.

But, these are not personality traits.

There isn’t “THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO” does these things.

There simply is a person that takes little daily decisions and puts in place small actions every day in their desired direction. They might struggle, but they keep going and trying new actions that might take them closer to whom they want to be.

Let me share with you two stories of two coachees of mine:

Helena* is a small entrepreneur, she founded her Company as a spin-off of a larger one.

She already had very good connections so didn’t need to heavily invest to acquire new clients. She frankly considered networking as a waste of time and unproductive chatting and would rather spend the little time she had after office hours with her family and friends.

A few years later, family reasons brought her to move to a foreign Country, where she decided to establish a new business.

This time, she had no connections, nor knowledge of some specific local legal requirements for her business.

She studied and worked very hard, but after a few months, she felt stuck and started feeling frustrated and isolated.

When her friends back home suggested her to join some local entrepreneurs' networks, her reaction was “I AM NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO… enjoys going to these events”.

During coaching, we started to unpack who this type of person actually is, and she found out that this type of person is simply someone that signs up for a first event and participates.

The first time this person probably spends most of the coffee break scrolling on her cell phone, the second time she just briefly talks to the person sitting next to her, and the third time she pays the subscription fee and commits herself to go, although it might still feel awkward.

Fast-forward one year, this person regularly goes to these events, has made some good connections, learned a few important pieces of information about the local business environment, and hopefully enjoys it too 😉

The most relevant question that Helena needed to ask herself was not if she wanted to be this type of person, but rather if the connection to other entrepreneurs was important to her, and if so, if she was willing to find out about the local entrepreneurs’ group and sign up for a first event.

The actions we take determine the person we become.

Christina* is a very brilliant leader in a multinational firm.

She always receives outstanding performance reviews from her direct supervisor and her team adores her, she embodies the caring and selfless leader many organizations wish to have more of.

Yet, each time there were opportunities coming up for career advancement in different departments, her name didn’t come up.

At the beginning, she acknowledged that the people promoted in those positions were probably more experienced than she was and therefore wasn’t too bothered by it. But when we began coaching, a similar situation had just occurred, and she started to become frustrated.

During one of our first conversations, she said she was not THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO was good at advocating for herself, and she couldn’t stand people bragging about their achievements all the time.

We worked on unpacking her beliefs around what bragging looked like for her and how she could find her own way of being more visible without being untrue to her values and without feeling she was bragging.

More relevant to my point here, we also discussed what a person that is capable of effectively advocating for herself does, and which was the first set of actions she could start putting in place.

Last time we talked, she had scheduled one-to-one meetings with a couple of senior leaders in other departments to hear what business perspectives they have and how she might be an asset for them, and she agreed with her Manager to be the one presenting the results of the last project she led to the Executive Committee.

Is this going to make her THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO… is comfortable in advocating for herself?

My honest answer would be “Who cares”.

Once she stopped over-thinking how she was or was not “THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO…” and instead started to move, one step at a time, one decision and one action after the other, she discovered new possibilities in herself and fueled a virtuous circle.

And I believe this is what really counts.

The actions we take determine the person we become

*Real situations, but fantasy names