“Too Much”- possibility or trap?

“I normally have a very high level of energy. I’ve been told I can be perceived as “too much”, and that I need to be mindful about how to use my energy, in order not to overwhelm others”

“I used to be the cheerleader of my team, but now that I’m the team manager I need to let that go and embrace a more serious and detached attitude, which I find really hard to do”

“I cannot believe I got the feedback that I should be more open and share more about myself and my emotions with my team. I have been told so many times by my previous manager that I was “too loud” and “too emotional”, therefore I worked very hard to build my professional “poker face”, and now they tell me it isn’t useful anymore? I’m confused!”

In a span of a few days, I heard three coachees sharing the stories above.

That made me curious, and I therefore made a little poll on LinkedIn and through my newsletter, to hear if/when people have been told they are “too much”.

Although my survey doesn’t have any ambition of being statistically relevant, it still gave me some interesting food for thought and reflection.

My main findings are:

• The vast majority of people who have been told at some point that they are “too much”, have more specifically been told they are “too emotional”
• All people but one respondent stating they have been addressed as “too emotional” are female.
  Yes, all but one!! Maybe not that surprising but this tells me a lot about biases and possibilities of being our full authentic selves in our jobs.

There’s so much talking about psychological safety, and yet so many people still think they need to mask up what they feel, and that showing emotions makes them unprofessional and immature.

Of course, I am not saying we should go into the board room jumping and screaming in excitement because we just closed an important deal, or we should start weeping in our team meeting because we hear a crucial project failed, or our partner got fired, but….

How much is wasted if we only bring to work our brilliant head, and forget at home our body, our heart and our soul?

Do we really think we can truly connect with others only on an intellectual/rational level?

If you are with me… you might be asking yourself, as many of my clients do, where do I start to make a shift here?

I think there is a systemic level that needs to be addressed regarding psychological safety in our teams and organizations, and quite frankly regarding gender biases.

And there is an individual level that I want to briefly discuss here.

On this level, the focus could be on recognising, embracing and acting on our emotions.

For the sake of simplicity, this is the 3-steps process I would suggest:

1- Recognise your emotions/give it a name.

Do you know there are actually over 80 different emotions?

Start getting curious to notice the nuance of your emotions. Go beyond the Sad/Happy/Angry.

If you are feeling Sad, dig a bit deeper. Maybe you are feeling Rermorseful, maybe Isolated, maybe Disappointed…

And how about Happiness… Maybe you are actually Inspired, maybe Joyful, or Valued…

A playful way to gain more emotional literacy is using the Wheel of emotions. You can find many different versions of it, I usually use this:

2- Think of emotions as data, and therefore ask yourself what this emotion is telling you.

Maybe you are feeling Exposed because one of your core values is being challenged.
Maybe you are feeling Optimistic, because after all that hard work everything in an important project is finally coming together in a beautiful way.
Maybe your Anxiety is telling you that you need to have a crucial and difficult conversation with someone.

In this step, be aware of the risk of pushing your difficult emotions aside by labeling them as “negative”. (If you are curious to read more about this, read my previous blog "The courage to be with our emotions" )

3- Build on this data and act on your emotion, allowing yourself to share it.

Since all humans have emotions… there is not such a thing as being “too emotional”, since there isn’t such a thing as being “too human”, don’t you think?

There are indeed different ways to express our emotions and act on them, which might be more or less appropriate in different settings, but swallowing up our emotions or trying to hide them because of the “too much” label cannot be the way!

If we are in a leadership position, isn’t this a great occasion to role-model a more human leadership, where emotions are a natural part of life, and a great occasion to ignite conversations about how to build a workplace where nobody feels like being “Too much” but their “Much” is welcomed and shared?