The 80-20 rule in relationships

Why is it so difficult to offer our help, and even more to ask for help, in the workplace?

My question was triggered by a video I just saw where Professor Brené Brown talks in her own very compelling way about what she defines as the 80-20 rule in relationships (watch here if you are interested), which is basically the need to openly share at each given moment what is our level of energy, and be at the same time vulnerable enough to ask for help when our level is low, and generous in offering our help when our level is high.
She and her husband agreed that, as a couple, their joint energy needs to be 100, and therefore when one is at 20, the other one needs to compensate and offer 80.

Her story made me reflect on how relevant this is also for work relationships, and how the energy balance within a team could be so much better managed if people were open enough to talk about their energy, which implies talking about other aspects of their life that impact on it.

If you are taking care of a sick family member, just had a baby, or are going through a divorce, it is likely your energy level at work might not be very high.

But if you don't share this with your teammates, or you shrug it off "I will push through, I am fine, no worries", they won't be able to help, and maybe put that extra energy the team needs at that moment.

So what is it that prevents so many of us from asking for help, and sometimes also from offering our help?

I believe there are individual as well as collective aspects that play a role.

On an individual level, some people are just more prone to share their personal stories and struggles than others.

We might have been told since a very young age that we need to be strong, we should never admit we are overwhelmed, we have to resist and push through any challenge without showing the struggle…
Individual coaching might help us become more self-aware of this type of inner beliefs and therefore able to address them so as not to limit us.

On a collective level, it is very important to consider what type of culture our team or wider Organisation promotes:

Is openly sharing struggles and asking for help rewarded or considered an indication of weakness?

Is admitting mistakes seen as being a failure or instead celebrated for its learnings?

Never heard about "psychological safety"? A term coined by Harvard Business School Prof. Amy Edmondson, Psychological safety is "a shared belief held by members of a team that it’s OK to take risks, to express their ideas and concerns, to speak up with questions, and to admit mistakes — all without fear of negative consequences".

If the level of psychological safety in our team is not high, we won't feel safe in sharing our struggles and asking for help, for fear of being judged, or considered weak and not resilient enough.

Even more strikingly, when psychological safety is not high, we might even resist from offering our help.

I had one client sharing that she was getting bored at work, since she just finished an important project and the new one was being delayed.
At the same time, she was seeing some colleagues in other teams struggling and being a bit overloaded, but she was resistant to offer her help.

Why? Well, she was afraid that being open about her temporary abundance of time would make her look as not a critical asset for the organisation and at risk for redundancy, and some discussions she overheard at the coffee machine were reinforcing her fears.
So she stayed quiet, pretending to be as busy as usual, actually being bored and demotivated, while some of her colleagues would have really benefited from a helping hand.

How crazy is that? And what a loss of opportunity for an Organisation not to encourage a culture where we look at the "collective 100" we need to get, and figure out how everyone can "chip in" to get to that 100, based on the energy we have and can give at that moment.

So, my question for you is:

• How clear are you, at each point in time, of where are you in terms of energy?
• How ready are you to be open enough with your team to ask and offer your help in order to guarantee the “collective 100”?
• As a leader, what can you do to promote such a psychologically safe team culture?

Photo credit: my picture of an artwork by Guadalupe Salgado, displayed during Kunsttage 2023 in Basel