Letting go of old leadership habits

Knowing exactly where to go and what to do, being able to clearly assign responsibilities and tasks to each member of our team and giving them instructions on how to do it, reviewing their progress as they go and being able to measure their achievements in a clear measurable way.

Sounds boring? Unrealistic? Incredibly old fashion? Wrong?

I hear you, but yet… raise your hand if you have never found yourself fantasizing about how much easier being a leader in such a stable and predictable environment would be.

Of course we are all aware that we now live in a context that is all but stable and predictable, even more so since the pandemic has hit, but yet it is not easy for those of us that learned and grew as leaders in a different environment to really adapt and evolve, by deeply shifting into a more creative space.

My experience working with leaders in different countries and sectors is that letting go of the old habit of control is one of the biggest challenges they face in their development, even when it is quite clear that their controlling tendency might have been very useful in the past but is now getting in their way. (on this topic, check out also my other blog post “Scaling Leadership by Letting Go”).

I recently had a discussion with a leader that was sharing his struggle saying he used to feel proud of his leadership style and the results he achieved through it, but he now feels like he is adventuring into the unknown of a dark forest with no compass and only few, basic, worn out tools.

This metaphor really hit me and brought me back to a personal story.

A few years ago, as part of a leadership workshop I was organizing, I went with a group of managers to the Institute for the Blind in Milan, where it is possible to do a so-called “Journey in the darkness”. A whole life environment is recreated in a large part of the building: an apartment with its rooms, furniture and objects, a street to cross, a park, a café. All in total darkness.

You are asked to enter this space and make your way through, like any normal day, going around your own house, going out for a walk in the park, crossing a street, and going to meet friends in a café. Since all is in complete darkness, you have the help of a guide that takes you by hand and gently guides you around when you get lost.

What makes it very special is that the guides themselves are all blind people, so they obviously move with much more agility in an environment that for non-blind is absolutely threatening and unknown.

Although it has been a few years, the sensations I felt were so strong I clearly recall them today: the almost panic-like sensation of not being able to see, know and have control over the situation, having to trust somebody I didn’t know to guide me through it and get out on the other side.

My eyes at the beginning were hurting since they were wide open trying to spot the tiniest prick of light, not used to this complete darkness, unreal even in the middle of the night.

In the end, I reluctantly did the only thing I could possibly do in that situation, closing my eyes, taking some deep breaths, and trusting the person that was gently holding my hand to guide me through.

Once I was able to get into this mental space, I was able to actually enjoy this incredible experience, let go of the need to see and instead rely more on the senses that I usually only partially use (touch, smell and sound).

This experience is for me a great reminder of how threatening and at the same time how liberating letting go of control can be. It is only when I allowed myself to let go of the need to be in control that I could really enjoy the ride, activate my other senses thus having a learning experience, and truly empathize with people that have to face these difficulties (and many more indeed) their whole life.

The question I’d like to pose is: in business life, what replaces the hand of the guide and the sense of touch and sound? For me, the hand of the guide is the trust in your team and colleagues and the other senses are your intuition.

But in order to be able to leverage on these, we need to first let go of our need to see, in the previous case, and control.

Jennifer Garvey Berger¹, internationally recognized expert and author in the field of adult development and complexity thinking, in her research on leadership mindtraps, talks about the trap of control: “We are trapped by our need for clearly delineated control that often strips us of the influence needed to truly effect change”.

This mindtrap can have deeply negative effects not only on relationships with others, but also on achieving meaningful outcomes. It can lead us for example to focus on what can be measured and easily controlled (i.e. very narrow specific deliverables and KPIs…) instead of on what matters the most and has a higher overall impact.

The good news is that we can all work on our mindtraps, and the starting point is self-awareness.

When we see and are aware of our mindtraps and the triggers that make us fall into them, we are able to catch ourselves sooner, unlock our own potential as well as our organizations’. It doesn’t mean we never fall into these traps again, but it does mean that when we do, we see ourselves falling in them and are thus able to get out of them faster.

The tricky aspect here is that our habits are so automatic that we use them whether they’re helpful or not, therefore it can be useful to have some “red flags” in mind in order to catch ourselves right before falling into the trap, or while we are falling in it.

An example of red flags for the mindtrap of Control? Over-simplifying a complex issue in order to be able to neatly measure it, Feeling that if it has to happen, it is up to us to make it happen...

Remainining curious, asking more questions, inviting different perspectives, as to question our own narrative, are all ways that contribute to creating contexts that may help us to stay out of the mindtrap.

If you believe you need to work on your mindtrap of Control, try to ask yourself these questions:

How can you create the conditions, within your organization, to enable good outcomes to occur, without taking the oars in your hands and start rowing nor giving instructions to others on how to row?
What are your “other senses” that you are not using right now?

If you are interested in reading more on LCP reactive tendencies, go to my post "The side effects of over protecting yourself"

¹ Jennifer Garvey Berger, Unlocking leadership mindtraps: How to thrive in complexity, Stanford Briefs, 2019