From Helpless to Helpful

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I have lately been hearing quite a lot of people, both during coaching sessions and doing casual conversations with friends, sharing sensations of helplessness.

One coachee the other day shared her feeling of being sitting in the passenger’s seat of a self-driving car that was deciding where to take her, while she used to be the proud driver of that car.

Using the words of the Leadership Circle Profile™ methodology, this would be labeled as “Passive” reactive behaviour, which measures the extent to which we believe we are not the creators of our life experience, and therefore our efforts don’t make much difference on the final outcomes.

I believe the pandemic has really fueled this type of feeling, making us disconnected, isolated and feeling that no matter our best efforts in following rules, getting vaccinated etc. the virus was spreading over and over, making victims and creating great economic and emotional damage.

But, of course, passive tendencies were not born with Covid and existed way before it.

  • Do you have difficulty acting on your own and prefer to do what you are told?
  • Are you overly cautious and always seek advise from others before making a decision?
  • Do you often delay taking action before it is clear what your manager wants?
  • Do you rigidly play by the rules without ever questioning them?
  • Do you rather pretend to be on board the new organization’s direction even when you have deep concerns about it?
  • Are you unwilling to discuss interpersonal relationship issues with others?

If you answer YES to many of these, Passive might be playing a role in your profile.

In this case, it could be important to have a conversation around it, since Passive is a key limiting factor not only for your effectiveness as a leader, but also for your own self-expression: Passive is an energy sucker, disrupts focus, and can significantly dampen your motivation.

What I see as potentially worrying, is that although this passivity can be a risk factor for depression, we might actually be “passive about our own passivity”, just letting it be and not reaching out for help, to ourselves and to others.

In many cultures, it is actually difficult to talk about this feeling of passivity. We armor up, put a nice smile on our faces and go on in “faking until we make it”.

Ever heard about the expression “toxic positivity”?

Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset, dismissing difficult emotions that are just labeled as “bad emotions” (you might refer to my previous blog "The courage to be with our emotions" for more insights on this topic).

Toxic positivity is sometimes what prevents us from admitting with ourselves and sharing with others that we actually feel bad or just feel “Blah” (thanks to Adam Grant for giving a funny to-the-point label to this feeling in his recent Ted Talk).

So, how to go about that?

Here are the first four steps I would suggest taking if you find yourself in this situation:

1. Recognise that you presently have this Passive tendency*, acknowledge it and accept it as something that you hold right now but that does not define you.

“I am exhibiting passive behaviours, I see it and I can do something about it” is a very different narrative than stating “I am passive (it’s how I am, there’s nothing I can do about it)”

2. Do not dismiss how energy-draining being in this state is.

The coachee I was writing about at the beginning, kept repeating phrases such as “It’s not that bad, I’m not clinically depressed” or “I’m not in burn-out”.

Well… is it really enough to “not be depressed”, while your best self stays small and silent?

3. Consider the impact of your behaviour on you but also on those around you, especially if you are in a leadership role

4. Don’t isolate yourself.

Reach out to a friend, a mentor, a coach, a colleague, and start having vulnerable conversations around this topic. You’ll find out that you are not alone, and that moving from that place is indeed possible.

 

*Doing your LCP self-assessment and debriefing it with a certified coach could help you in gaining this awareness. If you are interested to know more, please reach out to discuss how this could work for you

 

For other blog articles on LCP reactive dimension, check out: