Embracing happiness

“I had a lovely little trip with my family during Easter, and everything just seemed to be perfect. But at the same time… how can I be this happy when I hear every day the news of war, destruction, hatred, and death just a few thousand km away?” (me)

“My little one just left for his first school camp this morning. Every other parent seemed to be worried and a bit sad about them being gone for a whole week. I actually feel excited to have a whole week of more time for myself, maybe a night out with my friends and a date at a restaurant with my husband, but I feel a bit guilty about it. Maybe I am not such a loving mum after all…?” (a friend a couple of weeks ago)

“Like many other expat colleagues, I wasn’t able to go home to my family for Christmas, due to Covid restrictions. Everyone was quite sad about it, and some felt intense pain. But to be very honest… I felt quite relieved. I know it sounds awful and I shouldn't be saying this, but I’ve actually had a very intense and busy year, and having a couple of weeks of true downtime by myself, without social obligations and tons of relatives to visit, has been a great Christmas gift!” ( a coachee)

“We are able to celebrate my son’s birthday at the park, we even have a cake and a few small presents for him. I feel happy for the first time in months, and at the same time I feel guilty because the rest of our family is in deep danger back home” (Ukrainian refugee during a get together in Basel)

These are just snapshots of real conversations I’ve had in the last few weeks.

I am really fascinated by the topic of emotions and emotional agility, and I have previously written about the importance of recognising our own emotions and letting even our difficult emotions space to be, not trying to hide them (see my previous blog "The courage to be with our emotions")

On the one hand, many of us have difficulties acknowledging sadness, grief, anger and other emotions often wrongly labeled as “negative emotions”, but on the other, in certain situations we struggle to share our “positive emotions” such as happiness, joy, enthusiasm.

We somehow feel guilty to be happy when there are so many problems around us: illnesses, injustice, poverty, war…
This might create an unhealthy trap that does not help us, nor those around us. I’d like to briefly share with you what works for me when I get caught in this mental trap:

• Remind myself that happiness is not a zero-sum game.
  The fact that I am happy does not take away the opportunity for you or other people to feel as happy or happier than me. It is actually almost the opposite… the happier I am, the more I can spread my happiness around
• Be generous and don’t hold back. Happiness is indeed contagious, and is a powerful source of energy.
  The more I am able to spread and share this energy, the more people I can reach and impact
• Hear what my guilt is telling me and try to respond to it in a “productive” way that can really create an impact.
  A couple of examples? I decided to become more actively involved in a volunteer association supporting refugees coming to Basel, my friend whose kid left for school camp decided to put in place a “free Thursday night” routine, so that she has an evening a week for herself, her hobbies and friends…

There is definitely not a recipe that works for all, but it is indeed crucial that we do not lose our energies getting trapped into feeling guilty about our happiness, that we have the courage to embrace and fully enjoy it, and release the energy to spread it around even a little bit, without underestimating the collective power of all these "little bits".
As Desmond Tutu wrote: “Do your little bit of good where you are; it's those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world”.